Some secrets to communication

              This week in-class we talked about communication and how important communication can be in a relationship. I was excited about this week talking about communicating and how we can better communicate with people around us and one of the things that we learned this week was the five secrets to better communication. now the secret is kind of a buzzword right now we all want to know this secret to perfect skin the best hair how to buy the best car we all want the secrets. so here we go talking about the five secrets to better communication.

These secrets were published by David B Burns and these secrets really help communication and any conversation that you will have with somebody. The first part of this communication is empathy. David Burns created an acronym for these five steps and the acronym is EAR in this first part of the communication is about empathy. The first step is to use the disarming technique. now that might sound a little scary disarming somebody, but this really means finding something or some truth and what somebody is saying.  You are just trying to make them feel like they still have somewhat of control over the situation. you were trying to find a small nugget of truth for the other person to know that you are listening to them. The next part is the empathy part, which puts yourself in their shoes seeing the world through their eyes. When we step up to the plate with this empathy in hand, stepping into their shoes and looking at the world through their eyes, they know that we listen to them and feel what they feel. Everybody just wants to be heard it does not matter if we are four or if we are 84, we want to feel heard, and somebody took knowledge of us.  the third step in this process is inquiry or asking gentle questions about whatever the person is feeling, and these do not have to be complicated questions they can be like “ am I hearing you right?” they do not have to belong questions they just have to be there to make sure that they know that you're hearing them.

The next letter in the acronym is a which is represented by assertiveness. now, this is one of the most important steps in the five secrets to effective communication. the step is I feel statements. now, these are hard to master but with lots of time and practice we can have these I feel statements down like the back of our hand. these statements are like I feel angry, I feel upset, I feel happy, I am excited, and so on and so forth. these questions let the person you are communicating with see your side of the story. for example, “ I feel so upset that you think that.” Or “ I feel upset when you say things like that” these really help people understand what is happening and where we can improve and know where we are coming from.

The last letter R in this file with secrets to communications is respected now what he's talking about here is stroking or conveying an attitude of respect even if you feel frustrated or angry with the other person. this is like finding the positive in this situation even in the heat of battle. This is being respectful in this situation not screaming yelling pointing fingers blaming everything else we just need to respect the situation in what we are talking about.

it is hard to communicate with somebody. we have all been there struggling to understand where this person is coming from and why they are so angry at you. communication takes lots of time and practice. I am not the greatest communicator, but I am working on it and learning how to communicate better with friend’s family, and people I work with. when everybody is an OK communicator and can get their point across, we would all be better off no more fighting no more pointing fingers if we all learn how to communicate everyone would be happier.

Families in sticky situations

This week in class we talked about families under stress and how families can choose their own destiny at this point and become stronger together or fall apart like a very delicious crumble cookie. everybody deals with stress differently. everybody needs stress no matter how much we hate and despise stress we all need it. we talked about studies done on NASA astronauts and how when they leave earth and go to the space station or out into space, their bodies change in a way that they cannot physically hold themselves up. and the reason for this is because there is no stress on their bodies currently. gravity is nonexistent and their bones and muscles and all the things that make her bodies are under that stress and cannot be strong enough to support themselves. Therefore, we need stress so that we can function as human beings.

now, this is hard when the stress can make or break a family. we talked a lot about how a family can grow closer together or they can pull away from each other. some of the stressful situations we talked about were infidelity, death, job loss, major medical issues, and ultimately divorce. now we have a whole another week dedicated to divorce, so I will not get into divorce in this block but keep your eyes out for one in a couple weeks. one thing we really talked about was death and this is the death of apparent death of a grandchild death of a child and how death can really impact a family.

now just coming out of the historic year of 2020 there are thousands of stories of death and hardship.  my family is one of these unlucky families who experienced a lot of death and hardship in 2020. I think somebody who is really taking it hard is my grandma on my mom's side. my grandma not only lost her husband of almost 60 years, but she also lost her sister. my grammas support that had so many different legs of Support from her original family from her family from extended family and anybody that is considered family was lost in kind of broken this past year. because of how contagious everything is she could not go outside and visit friends or family, but she experiences this. this is big stress that impacts the family.

because of how crazy the COVID-19 pandemic was I personally have not seen my extended family in over a year. now some good things have come from this crazy COVID-19 pandemic we continually talk and interact with our family over zoom and any other virtual platforms. we got to experience almost everybody's birthday through a virtual platform. before the COVID-19 pandemic when it was your birthday my extended family would call you up on the phone and scream happy birthday over the phone. but now when it is somebody's birthday in our family we gathered and have our own cake and we sing happy birthday and blow out candles and we have a great conversation over zoom. we got to connect with our family through virtual means instead of in person. I got to have my birthday with my family over zoom my brothers and my mom got to have their birthday over zoom as well and everybody is so excited when we get to do a zoom birthday.

we are one of the families that when we get stressed out or anything gets hard, we decide to pull together when times get tough. I think this is important in a family because at this moment when we are stressed and anxious, we really need support from other people at least I do when I am stressed and anxious. family is important it is what we take with us. they are there for us no matter what and they are therefore anything that happens in our lives. there are hundreds of children out in the world that is being raised by grandparents or aunts and uncles or third cousins. when things happen, people step up to the plate, hit a home run, and just support and help people. I think this is become really clear especially in this past year with COVID because everybody needed support and help people suddenly passed away even though they were healthy and strong, and we just needed people there.

family is important and even when we are stressed and anxious, we need their help. family is amazing and we need to find our family and keep it close because we never know what is around the next corner.

Love and Marriage

 

    This week we talked about marriage and the love side of marriage. We talked a lot about love and how couples can communicate love. Marriage is hard and nobody said it would be easy but communicating with your loved one is important especially in intimate settings.

    Biologically men and women are on two separate times during intimate relations. men and women should communicate understand how their partners feeling for this duration of time. it can be really frustrating when nobody is talking or communicating how they feel during these very special sacred intimate experiences. this not only happens during intimacy but also happens outside of intimacy and can really damage a marriage when men and women husband and wife are communicating two different people and not to each other.

    Communicating is like talking about and distributing the house chores, talking about family matters, expressing interest in financial responsibility and financial stability in the relationship. Communicating is more than just a long conversation at night it takes time to understand and talk through and think through situations that impact the family and the relationship. it is just a natural tendency to turn to our parents because that is who we have always talked to and communicated with. I know for my life I always turn to my mom for any advice situation or just literally to complain about my situation. she is always there always ready to pick up the phone and talk about whatever I want to talk about. no, I am not in a relationship now, but this will be a very hard thing for me to turn off in turn to my significant other when the time comes.

    Everybody has boundaries in the ideal boundaries in a relationship are very clear and pronounced boundaries where everybody is safe protected and feels like they have a voice. 1-2 people decide to get married they should be the ones that they communicate with and the person they turned to. Now this does not come quickly does not come easily and does not come naturally. it takes real work to turn to your husband or wife in a situation instead of turning to an outside source like a parent or friend. communicating and understanding where the other person is coming from and what you can do to help the other person can really strength in and keep a marriage or relationship together for a very long time. talking with and having conversations about situations and family matters is hard for people to make the change and to really understand that the person you have married or are in a relationship with is your person.

    Whether people are religious or not it states in the Bible when we are married or committed to another person we must turn away from our parents or caregivers and turn to the person that we are falling in love with. the Bible uses a great word "cleave". this word has two meanings the first one is to rip apart or to cut the second meaning is to make one meld together and make one. how does interesting that this word has two meanings but has the exact opposite meanings of each other. we see this word all throughout the Bible and especially when talking about marriage. the Bible says to cleave unto our wives or husbands and to get rid of the things that are not our husbands or wives. I think this is interesting because even if you are not religious at all you kind of know and are familiar with a Bible you know what it is, and you know what it looks like, but the words inside really are impactful canned can help strengthen a marriage.

From Courting to Engagement

    This week we talked about dating smaller and we talked about the cording engagement process. now this process of cording and then engagement has changed over the many decades of engagement  we talked about the differences between the 50's the 90's and now. just looking at my own family the engagement process from when my grandparents got engaged and married to when my parents got engaged and married to my roommate and friends who have gotten engaged and married are three completely different processes.

    My grandparents were thinking about getting married they dated for a while they went on lots of different dates, and I do not think they even talked about getting married they might have mentioned it once or twice, but they did not do it like today. usually, my grandpas would have gone ring shopping saved up lots and lots of money, and bought a very simple modest ring to give to their future fiancées. then the mother and friends and family word plan the wedding. they would find a church have simple colors and decorations and then invite everybody to come to the wedding. they did not have social media like we do today, but they did have newspapers and it was very common to see engagement announcements wedding invites in this local newspaper. both of my grandparents have been married for over 50 years.

 We were so lucky and grateful that we got to celebrate my mom's parents' 50th wedding anniversary and we are so lucky and grateful that we got to celebrate my dad's parents' 50th wedding anniversary. sadly, this past year both of my grandpas passed away, but they are still remembered and followed by amazing wives and grandmothers the I get to celebrate and be with for a long time.

    When my mom and dad got married they decided that maybe they would be the right one for each other. My mom was finishing college and told my dad " do not propose until I am done, I do not want to be planning a wedding during my last semester of school. she would be done in May and then they would get married in August." My dad had other plans… my dad proposed in January at temple square and then my mom finished College in May and they got married at the end of June. something different about today than any other generation is that renting wedding dresses was common. My mom rented her wedding dress because it was cheaper than buying a wedding dress and you know two broke college students did not have much money. My mom's colors were teal grey and white. the bridesmaids were in teal dresses and the tablecloths were simply white and they did it in a church house. My mom had a crazy idea, and she does not even know where this idea came from, but her centerpieces were large Margarita glasses with beta fish in them. I know kind of crazy. but we have never seen it anywhere else how spadefish as your wedding centerpieces. my mom is dad has been married for almost 29 years and their anniversary is the end of this month.

    now if you notice the theme in these last two stories the guy surprised the girl with a wedding ring. This does not happen nowadays. in modern times we see the wedding being planned before anybody gets a ring. I think this is a little bit wedding planning is the best part of planning a wedding. You can decide what you want to have on your special day. this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you want to spend time planning and enjoying this time you get to have with your significant other.

This is a picture of my mom's parents on their wedding day 

This is a picture of my dad's parents on their wedding day.